When reports of something called “frost” started filtering through, the Midlifegardener took the threat seriously. As this “frost” was being brought from the Arctic, the MLG, suspecting frost would not be welcome in the Midlife Garden, took steps to secure his borders and ensure his beds were safe. He banned any contact with the Arctic: there were no flights from the Arctic, no Arctic Roll for dessert and no room for the Arctic Monkeys on any Spotify playlist.
Despite these measures (which the Midlife Garden was the first garden IN THE WORLD to take) frost still seemed likely. When questioned about this the MLG seemed unperturbed.
“Frost? That’s just like a bit of cold. It won’t bother us – we have it all under control”.
So the Midlifegardener prepared, by not preparing. He went ahead and planted out his “hardened” courgettes and allowed his runner beans to exercise in the great outdoors. After all, runner beans have rights too – it’s unconsitutional to make them remain at home. And what of the effects on the Midlife Garden economy if those beans are unable to go out? Next thing we’ll be saying they don’t have the right to bear arms.
But then Stupid Tuesday came and “The Frost” – or Frigid-19 as they have started to call it. The MLG looked at the stats and was angry. Why had no one told him about this?
He ranted. “Do you know where this came from? You bet you do – they said the Arctic, but you know what’s just on the other side of the Arctic? Russia, that’s what. And it’s the Russians who did this. They knew about this “frost” thing before anyone. But they didn’t tell us”.
So now the MLG (who is apparently doing a ‘FANTASTIC JOB’, by the way) is having to get the garden through this. We listened in to his press briefing on the subject.
“The beans are in lockdown…
(‘Mr MLG, they are sick and the greenhouse can barely cope with any more‘)
…but they should be free to go out soon…
(‘Just as well, Mr MLG, as social distancing is impossible between them and the tomatoes’)
…we have to get back into growth. I accept, some courgettes might have been seriously affected…
(‘They’re dead, Mr MLG‘)
…but we know that this Russian Frost is what has caused it. If you want to know why it happened – go ask the Russians. Or the Chinese – it probably came from one of their laboratories”.
(‘Do you have any plan to make things better, Mr MLG?’)
“I’ve heard that antifreeze stops frost, so, perhaps, there is a way that we could spray the plants with this, or find a way to get it into the plants, like, internally by injection or some other way. Would that guard against this Foreign Cold Thing?”
“I also hear that when it gets warmer, this Russian Frost will just go away, as if by magic. It will be like a miracle. So it will all be fine. And then we can make the Midlifegarden Great Again”.
Let’s hope so – it’s just a shame about the courgettes and beans, Mr MLG.