Mrs B has been a member of the Village Facebook Group for some time and has been ahead of the curve when it comes to local gossip / news. So I decided it was time I gained access to the inner sanctum of this closed group and found out first hand the burning issues of the day.

And my efforts were rewarded.

A lot revolves around errant pets. There was one irate member complaining about dog shit in the entrance to their drive – leading to another member demanding a “name and shame” policy when the culprit was identified. (I am not sure that Fido from number 40 would be that bothered about being named on Facebook, but who knows?)

Then there are the lost cats which seem to be a constant worry in Village News. One owner was concerned about “Donald” being lost, before correcting himself five minutes later saying “Oops its Daffy who is missing not Donald – hard to tell them apart”. Donald had been lounging on the sofa while said owner typed message. WE were all relieved to hear that Daffy returned a day or two later, to a veritable spate of “likes”.

“Very pleased to say Daffy has come home. Found having a wonderful time at the Wild Garden having been on safari and clearly well fed keeping the rodents down. Thanks for all the kind messages and calls. Seems happy to be home”

Not being a cat lover myself I was unmoved by the discovery of the errant feline. And I would warrant that it was not only rodents he was feasting on, but some of our favourite songbirds too. And also I reckon it was probably Daffy who crapped in my veg patch on his way to the Wild Garden. But I refrained from posting my thoughts.

What gripped me next was the following discussion which almost literally lit up the Village FB Wall:

5th July

MW: Hope nobody’s home is on fire!! Has someone got a large fire in their garden? The smoke is all the way down Main Street!!!

ST: I was wondering where it’s coming from too. Have had to close all the house windows as smoke and smell infiltrating the house. Not great in a muggy weather evening.

FH: We have just walked the dog, the smoke is worse in Orchard St

MB: Yes and I had washing on the line

RL: Not us!

JW: It was from a bungalow on the main road. Some people are so inconsiderate!

For a moment I was worried as we reside in a single storey dwelling, but we are not near the main road – and I checked that I had not inadvertently put a match to my Forsythia trimmings. Phew!

There was no further discussion so I assumed everyone had managed to get their washing in, close their windows and dowse the flames. But then:

6th July

FH Oh no not another bonfire. Just grabbed the washing in, but can not shut all the windows

VD: thought the same as I had a line of washing out

MB: Let’s have a village campaign against bonfires on summer days and evenings.

I totally agree that a bonfire on a summer afternoon / evening is antisocial though the use of social media to share the experience and find the culprit does amuse. And I do love the idea of a village campaign against bonfires. In my mind’s eye I see villagers with pitch forks and flaming torches marching up to the bungalows near the main road demanding justice (and clean clothes). Torches and forks – just what you need to get a good bonfire going.

It is as well that I was not on Village FB when I had my first bonfire here back in Feb of 2018. I shared The Old Man’s love of a good bonfire at the Old Place where there were fewer neghbours to worry about – but I will have to think more carefully about how I dispose of garden waste around here.

(Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent and maintain the security of Village Facebook. However, data from the Group and this blog has been sold to Brexiteers4brexit.com and other similar charitable campaigns. This will enable targeted marketing of rural communities, in which the blame for all bonfires will placed squarely on EU migrants, “crazy” European Union Legislation and The Irish Back Stop)