The major structural engineering works in the garden this spring have revolved around defence – or perhaps I should pronounce that DE-fence. You see we are facing a crisis, an invasion from migrants. Migrant cats. They are sweeping across our borders destroying our bird life and threatening our gardens with their illegal activities, cat nip dealing and violence. We must repel this invasion.
OK, not an invasion and not a national crisis. And no drug trafficking, but why let the truth get in the way of policy-making? And I guess cats have rights too. And while they are not actually destroying all the bird life they’re probably taking the occasional tit. But what these cats are doing is crapping in my well-tended veg patch. I say cats – it seems to be just the one, with a particularly poor diet, judging by the liquid nature of its deposits. But it leads to one of two consequences. Either I clear it up before tending the garden or, if I am too slow, I have to watch as my Labrador does her morning “poo patrol” and eats whatever feline faeces she can find.
I am not sure which I find more disgusting.
So the solution, to borrow an idea from across the Pond, was to BUILD A WALL. But not just one wall – more like a series of barricades which could be built without recourse to Congress or any other budgetary authorities. So, using some spare chicken wire, canes and fruit netting we have sectioned off the veg beds with instantaneous results: no more cat poo. The dog is disappointed – she still patrols the garden every morning on the off-chance, which reassures me that the cats have not been back. And the netting might even have kept the sparrows from eating the young pea plants too, so it’s a win-win.
Plenty of peas and no poos: success. We’re making the Garden Great Again. Now, how do we get the cats to pay for the wall…